Every year my parents put on a spectacular Easter egg hunt for my sister and I. They are some of my fondest memories. All of my grandparents, cousins and friends, running around like crazy people searching for plastic eggs filled with candy and coins.
So when Juni turned two, I decided to carry on the tradition. Every year I order a pig, invite everyone I can think of, and stuff way too many eggs. Jasen and I spend the week before getting the yard prepared and planning. It rocks. We've had great weather, great kids, and great memories.
This year was no different, except for two key points. My degenerated disk disease and Jasen's tendinitis foot. Three days before the big event, I couldn't bend down and Jasen couldn't walk. But we were bound and determined to get everything done.
So we hobbled around, cleaning and cooking and trying to get everything done. The morning of the hunt, we realized we needed help. Jasen called Mauricio, who cleaned the garage. Jasen cooked the pig, and I was to cut the grass, clean the house and hide the eggs. Easier said than done.
Jasen could barely walk. He had to prop himself against the pig cooker all day. Mix that with 4 hours of sleep after babying the meat all night, and that makes for one pooped man and one swollen foot.
I walked out to the lawn mower only to find that the battery was as dead as a doornail. I sill insist that it was Jasen's fault. I've decided that he didn't turn the starter completely off. Whatever the case, the lawnmower wouldn't start. And it's not like we have neighbors to borrow from. They wouldn't have a mower big enough, anyway. Our lawn is a a good 1.5 acres of pure grass.
So Jasen put on the batter charger, and I went to curl my hair. That's when I hear it. The skid steer. Jasen had decided to completely redo our driveway at 9 am. The hunt began at 11. Needless-to-say, this was not the best idea. Granted, the drive looks great now, but at the time, there were plenty of other issues to tackle.
Like Sadie's giant poop. I knew I needed to do a poop patrol scan, and that it wasn't going to be pleasant. Jasen, bless his heart, decided to "help" me cut the grass. He got the mower started, and began cutting the back yard. But what he didn't realize is that Juni and I had yet to complete the poop patrol.
Here's a not-at-all-funny joke for you...What do you get when you mix giant Sadie poop and a lawnmower? A big fat friggin mess, that's what. Poop that's ground into the grass like mustard on shag carpet. You get a disaster. You get me pulling out poop-covered grass, gagging and bagging. You get a pissed off wife.
It took me an hour to get the poop and cut the grass. It took me another hour to hid the eggs, and that was with the help of Juni, his friend Kyle, my step mom and my sister. I couldn't bend over, so I just hurled the eggs onto the front yard.
When I got to the minefield that is Dutchess' preferred poop place, I stuck metal bunny signs in the ground as a signal to turn around and called it a day.
As I was hiding eggs, I noticed something odd. Duchess growling at Sadie, hovered over something in one of the front flowerbeds. I inched my way toward her treasure, and just about puked. It was a raw deer leg, no doubt the one Juni and I came across during the snow. It was the entire leg, from hip joint to hoof. And it was hairy. Hairy and bendable. It as the definition of redneck. And I had visions of screaming children running to their parents asking what a carcass was doing in the middle of all of my beautiful eggs.
I couldn't bring myself to touch Dutchess' find. So I asked Jasen to take care of it. I asked him three times. Three times should be enough to get the message through, correct? Of course not.
Two minutes after the hunt finished, I walked past the flowerbed, and there it was. A nibbled deer leg that no one had seemed to notice. Half of the hoof was gone, the remaining hair was dripping with drool, and the bone was shiny and clean.
I chose a few of my friends to share this information with, fussed at Jasen, and laughed it off. The Easter Egg Hunt was perfect. We had 20 completely happy children running through the yard, no poop reported on shoes (even though I did miss a few spots), and no injuries.
It's been three weeks since the hunt. I still find eggs that we hid a little too well, or the random piece of chocolate melting in the grass. Duchess and Sadie have found Jasen's dumping ground for the pig remnants, and drag a giant piece of crackled skin or foot up to the house daily. And there are sections of the pig's jawbone, teeth intact, strewn throughout the front yard where the dogs have chosen to hide them.
And then there's Sadie, giant poops and all. She was a very well-behaved puppy. She still has a limp from pulling a muscle or tendon (making us a family of three gimps). And of course the deer leg. She takes it to bed with her ever night like Juni and his stuffed puppy. Only the femur is left, with just a few patches of hair. It's absolutely the most redneck sight ever, but I just can't bring myself to take it from her.
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