A Conscious Decision

Today I made a conscious decision I've put off for four years. Someone wrote this to me in relation to career vs. parenthood:
"I realized that right now, right NOW, i have a gift. These guys are growing up so fast. They're like these brilliant little flowers. And what I can give them right now will be something they have for the rest of their lives. And hopefully, hopefully, what I give them now will be good stuff."
People have told me for four years to stop obsessing about my lack of career. About feeling like I'm wasting my degrees. But something about the way this was put, and the fact that he is in the exact same position as me, made me realize that childhood is but a blip on the radar.
He made me realize that that self-worth is self-defined. And he sent me a link to this poem:

Always in my heart ...


My dishes went unwashed today,
I didn't make the bed,
I took his hand and followed
Where his eager footsteps led.


Oh yes, we went adventuring,
My little son and I...
Exploring all the great outdoors
Beneath the summer sky


We waded in a crystal stream,
We wandered through a wood...
My kitchen wasn't swept today
But life was gay and good.


We found a cool, sun-dappled glade
And now my small son knows
How Mother Bunny hides her nest,
Where jack-in-the-pulpit grows.


We watched a robin feed her young,
We climbed a sunlit hill...
Saw cloud-sheep scamper through the sky,
We plucked a daffodil.


That my house was neglected,
That I didn't brush the stairs,
In twenty years, no one on earth
Will know, or even care.


But that I've helped my little boy
To noble manhood grow,
In twenty years, the whole wide world
May look and see and know.


Author: Unknown

I realize that explaining to Jasen why the house is a complete mess is something I'll never completely master. He personally doesn't get it. But that's okay. I may not have my name in print everyday, but, really, does that matter?
My son didn't have to puke with a stranger. I got to hold him, and stroke is clammy little head when he cried for me. I got to tell him that everything was all right, and that "Mommy's right here." I got to tell and show my son just how much I love him. It may sound completely ridiculous and disgusting, but the fact that I was there to clean up my son's puke was the greatest gift.
When all was said and done, my son knew I was there for him. That I'll always be here for him. And then we got to play in the pool, string shells we collected on fishing line, and watch Tom and Jerry together. When he's 30 I'm sure he won't remember today. But I will.
I'll remember every day since his birth. I'll remember the sleepless nights. I'll remember the diapers, the spit up, the puke and the boo-boos. I'll remember the kisses that make it all better, the snuggles, the zurberts and the laughs. I'll remember how my heart burns to think of him growing even one day older. And the pride I feel as that one day older passes and I see the person he is becoming.
I've been with my son every day since he was born. And that's something that has changed my life, my being, my soul, forever. That's something that when I'm 90 I will remember and cherish.
Today I made the conscious decision to not waste one more second worrying about working. I have my Redneck Husband to do that for me.
Every day since Juni's birth I've thanked God for him, and for the gift of raising him every moment of every day. Today, I made the conscious decision to let go of the remnants of guilt for not working. Because when it comes right down to it, work can kiss the fattest part of my behind. Raising Juni is the best kind of "work" imaginable. And I deserve every minute of it.