Reflect

I've never been a huge fan of New Year's. When it comes down to it, it really is just another day. Resolutions are made. And inevitably broken. Gyms become flooded. And then desolate. But maybe there is something to be said for reflecting on the year that was, the day that is, and the future that lies ahead.
This year was beautiful and ugly. Exciting and stressful. Wonderful and miserable. All wrapped up into one messy package. Such is life. Especially mine.
I've come to believe that whatever package life comes in, it's a gift. My life has always been especially charmed. whatever issues I may have, they're nothing compared to the pain and suffering others face. I'm lucky. I know this. There are mothers who wrote obituaries for their babies. Lovers who signed divorce papers. Children who went hungry. Soldiers whose flags were folded into boxes. Life is hard. It sucks. But the difficulties we face make the positive that much more beautiful.
My son is healthy, beautiful and smart. He makes me smile, makes me laugh, makes me scream, cry and dance. He makes me see life from a child's view. And that view is pretty damned good. Juni makes me proud. Basically, raising Juni makes me feel every human emotion, every day. It's a roller coaster. And it rocks. My husband is successful, loving and forgiving. My family is supporting, happy and ultimately hilarious. Comic relief is always welcome. My friends are understanding. the people in my life hold me up when I fall, wipe my tears when I cry, and hold their stomaches when we laugh so hard it hurts.
My body is relatively healthy, and my mind...well, I'm making strides. I envy people who live their lives, make their decisions, and don't look back. I envy people who don't take pills every day to keep their minds in check. I envy people who have unbreakable faith. I don't understand them. But my self-described borderline-insanity is what makes me who I am. Mental health is a challenging bitch sometimes. But I'm taking steps toward mind renewal. Life renewal. Relationship renewal.
Everything takes work. Relationships, health, happiness. It all takes work. Simply surviving takes work. For me, I'm working toward a healthier mind, feeling more comfortable in my skin and brain, and what I want out of my life. I'm trying to lift the fog and see the path in front of me. Make decisions instead of just walking blind. It's a journey, and I'd like to be present. It's a beautiful, ugly, exciting, stressful, wonderful and miserable journey, and I'd like to genuinely experience every second. Not just exist within my head and world, but contribute.