Juni didn't sleep more than 45 minutes at a time until he was 9-and-a-half months old. To describe those months as exhausting would be a gross understatement. There are no words to describe. At one point I thought he had some terrible stomach disorder. Nope. Reflux. I tried a vibrating crib. One of those bears that emits a heartbeat and sloshing sounds like the womb. I wedge to elevate his head. Then pillows under his crib mattress to elevate his entire top half. Nothing worked.
He slept in his swings for the first six months of his life. And when I say slept, I basically meant cat naps in between screaming fits. At the urging of his pediatrician, we Ferberized him at 10 months. Pitiful, but he did learn to fall asleep on his own, and would stay that way. For approximately 2 hours. And then I had to repeat the process.
I'd fall asleep sitting beside his crib, on the floor, so that when he did scream it wouldn't wake up my husband. I'd fall asleep nursing him in the rocker. I'd fall asleep while he played on the floor. I'd fall asleep just about anywhere.
Even now, at four years old, Juni rarely sleeps through the night. He wakes up screaming for me, saying he's scared. One week it was deers. the next it was the blinds on his window. Or the little closet door. Or just nothing. He'd wake up because his overnight pull-up leaked. Which isn't just a quick kiss and back to bed. It's changing clothes, sheets, pillows. All at 4 a.m.
Sleeping in the Norge house is miserable. Even though Jasen doesn't get up with Juni, it still wakes him, and I have to hear about it in the morning.
Three weeks ago I hit my breaking point. I was falling asleep in his bed again, in the middle of the night. Which just plain sucks. The kid sleeps like a crazy person. I'd wake up, sweating from his plastic mattress cover, his feet lodged in my spine, me tinkering on the edge of the mattress clutching Beary. Sucked. Big time.
And so I resorted to bribery. I am now a full-fledged, card-carrying supporter of bribery. It's amazing, really. One day after the aquarium Juni asks for a fish tank. That night, I bribe him: "you sleep in your bed all night, without screaming your head off, and you can get a fish tank." He's definitely allowed to come into my bedroom if he's scared or doesn't feel well, but screaming like someone's stabbing him with a butter knife is out of the question. As a child who suffered from night terrors her entire childhood, this troubled me a bit, but I also realize how rare night terrors are, and work hard every day to not project my anxiety onto him.
My point is, the bribery worked.The first night he woke up once. Ran into my room, sounding like an elephant, but no screams. I led him back to his bed, and within 2 minutes he was snoring just like Daddy. Friday made three weeks with no screaming. Jackpot! So we headed to the locally owned pet sore.
Three fish later, and we were ready to roll. He named them Mouse, Cat and Bird. Adorable. He fed them, decorated their little tank. and stood on the same wooden stool I stood on as a child, staring at them and talking to them.
It was wonderful. My plan had worked, bwahahaha.
And then, disaster. The yellow fish went belly up. "Mommy...what wrong with that fish? He sleeping?"
I figured Juni could handle it. He's seen dead chickens, cows, snakes, unfortunately, he even saw me run over my dog, Shelby, and reminds me of my murderous act at least once a week.
So the kid understands that animals die. So I told him the truth. "Okay. I get a new one? Not a yellow one, though. They no good. I want a guppy. A whole family, so they can have babies. Alright?" Alright, Juni. I'll go back tomorrow and get you a while guppy family.
And then as I snuck his sleeping body into his bed, I saw it. Three floaters. Damn it! I had single-handily murdered Bird, Cat and Mouse. They were stuck in the plastic plants. They looked like they were sleeping, so I went with it. Told Juni they were so tired from the trip.
I was so upset when I got into bed, Jasen actually sat straight up at one point and said "F*** the f***ing fish! They're f***ing fish for Christ's sake! Jesus! Just go to bed. You didn't mean to do it. He'll get over it." And then has he laid down, rolled over and closed his eyes I heard him grumble "Damn f***ing fish."
Okay. I get it. It was like a cheezy sitcom where the hamster dies and the parents run out, looking for the twin to said hamster. Something I never thought I would ever do.
And yet, first chance I got, I snuck out of the house, found said twin fishes, and bought them. I spent $15 on water conditioners, including one with live bacteria to make their home the perfect fishy habitat. Then I bought two gallons of spring water, just to spoil the little buggars.
And so now, what began as a $30 bribery is now up to $50. But this morning, Juni woke up, asking to see his fish first thing, and I didn't have to lie and say there were napping. They were alive, happy, and waiting to be fed. It's amazing what we'll do for our children. We don't want to see them hurt, even if it is over a f***ing fish We want to see them happy, rewarded, and succeed. And with the newly named Cat, Mouse, Bird, C and J fluttering their happy little fins, I can officially stand at the top of my stairs and shout "Victorious!" I have made fish live! For more than 12 hours! Woo. Friggin. Hoo, baby!
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