The $1600 Duck

My husband owns the reputation of driving incredibly slow. I'm sure that's partly due to his vehicle - an F450 dual-wheeled, diesel, extended cab, flatbed truck. It's basically a tow truck with a full backseat. Doesn't get much slower than that. But it's also due to the fact that my husband is a tight-ass. He doesn't want to spend his money on anything intangible. Which I tend to agree with.
Jasen rarely gets speeding tickets, and I don't think he's ever had an accident. I, on the other hand, have dings along my car and have racked up a few tickets through the years.
But the $1600 hunting ticket my husband and brother-in-law both received a few years back wipes the slate clean. Even at two speeding tickets a year, It'll take me a good 5 years until he can bitch. And that's not happening any time soon, especially considering the $200 I just paid for him speeding back to work last month.

Jasen insists on keeping a gun cabinet filled wit shotguns in the living room. I hardly remember it's there anymore. Neither do I think about the gun propped next to our bed. Jasen rarely shoots anything. He began to think twice about hunting after he shot a raccoon in our barn, and then noticed her babies. He came into the house that night with tears in his eyes. He'll shoot an aggressive snake or annoying bird periodically, but beyond that he's relatively docile. And I am simply not a gun person. They scare the hell out of me. And I'm fairly certain that if I ever did decide to shoot a snake on my own I'd end up with one less toe.
For whatever reason, he and my sister's husband decided to go bird hunting last fall. Of course neither of them thought to actually buy a hunting license. Or the federal bird stamps. Or the lead-free bullets. Or check to make sure their guns were up to code.
He and Jamie drove to a friend's farm and proceeded "to shoot at everything that flew by," as Jasen explained. They killed a few ducks, two geese, and then realized the game warden truck at the end of the dirt path near Jasen's truck. Not good.
My brother-in-law took his spanking like a man. My redneck husband, on the other hand, apparently chucked his gun in the ditch and turned around. This did not please the game warden. Again, not good.
It's important at this point to explain my impression of some game wardens. They think they're badass. They're like animal control, with guns. Barney Fife would be proud.
This particular game warden decided to smack my husband with every charge he could render. Hunting without a license. Hunting without a federal duck stamp. No plug in the gun (Jasen decided to take that out for some reason), and using lead shot. Brilliant.
In addition to the charges, the game warden decided to subpoena Jasen to court. In Richmond. On a weekday. All because he chucked his gun in the ditch, and I'm sure used some choice words to describe his impression of Mr. Fife.
Jasen missed the class on temper control, so it was up to me to get him out of the court appearance. I'd rather pay the fine than pay the bail. I called the Virginia Department of Hunting and Fishing to get the whole story. The warden wrote in his report that Jasen ran from police.
Ummm...yeah. Again, something else important to note. My husband does not run. Under any circumstances. I've seen him walk through a hurricane, walk to the house when I was in labor, and walk to me when I got my finger stuck in the cheese grater.
I explained this to the prosecutor. I also explained that my husband and brother-in-law do not possess the best judgement when together. And that he probably did give the game warden lip. And that I would punish his crime with more vigor than any judge in Richmond.
The prosecutor agreed. He signed off and allowed me to pay the fines without Jasen appearing in court.
The $1600 ticket is well worth the price. Unless I find myself in a high-speed chase with the police, it's pretty unlikely I will ever rack up enough moving violations to compete with the 45 minute hunting trip.
The ticket makes for a wonderful ace in my pocket. And with a husband like Jasen, that's priceless. And just in case you're wondering...no, we did not have duck or goose for dinner. The game warden, I'm assuming, did. I hope he chipped his tooth on a nice leaded shot.