Reflect

I've never been a huge fan of New Year's. When it comes down to it, it really is just another day. Resolutions are made. And inevitably broken. Gyms become flooded. And then desolate. But maybe there is something to be said for reflecting on the year that was, the day that is, and the future that lies ahead.
This year was beautiful and ugly. Exciting and stressful. Wonderful and miserable. All wrapped up into one messy package. Such is life. Especially mine.
I've come to believe that whatever package life comes in, it's a gift. My life has always been especially charmed. whatever issues I may have, they're nothing compared to the pain and suffering others face. I'm lucky. I know this. There are mothers who wrote obituaries for their babies. Lovers who signed divorce papers. Children who went hungry. Soldiers whose flags were folded into boxes. Life is hard. It sucks. But the difficulties we face make the positive that much more beautiful.
My son is healthy, beautiful and smart. He makes me smile, makes me laugh, makes me scream, cry and dance. He makes me see life from a child's view. And that view is pretty damned good. Juni makes me proud. Basically, raising Juni makes me feel every human emotion, every day. It's a roller coaster. And it rocks. My husband is successful, loving and forgiving. My family is supporting, happy and ultimately hilarious. Comic relief is always welcome. My friends are understanding. the people in my life hold me up when I fall, wipe my tears when I cry, and hold their stomaches when we laugh so hard it hurts.
My body is relatively healthy, and my mind...well, I'm making strides. I envy people who live their lives, make their decisions, and don't look back. I envy people who don't take pills every day to keep their minds in check. I envy people who have unbreakable faith. I don't understand them. But my self-described borderline-insanity is what makes me who I am. Mental health is a challenging bitch sometimes. But I'm taking steps toward mind renewal. Life renewal. Relationship renewal.
Everything takes work. Relationships, health, happiness. It all takes work. Simply surviving takes work. For me, I'm working toward a healthier mind, feeling more comfortable in my skin and brain, and what I want out of my life. I'm trying to lift the fog and see the path in front of me. Make decisions instead of just walking blind. It's a journey, and I'd like to be present. It's a beautiful, ugly, exciting, stressful, wonderful and miserable journey, and I'd like to genuinely experience every second. Not just exist within my head and world, but contribute.

My Proudest Moment

Each year before Christmastime my parents helped my sister and I organize our toys into two piles: keep and give away. It took us an entire afternoon to find each piece to each puzzle. Each card to each game. Each outfit for each baby doll.
A truck driver from my dad's borrow pit would come and pick them up, beaming from ear to ear. We helped give another child Christmas. And it made us feel good.
I tried to find time to sort Juni's toys for weeks to no avail. Life just got in the way. So the day before Christmas Eve, I found myself with a few extra hours to kill. I told Juni the plan, and tempted him with an early Christmas package to tear open. The deal was on.
Three hours later, Juni had boxes upon boxes of toys. I'd venture to guess he decided to give away one-third of his toys. We made signs, and drug them all to the end of the driveway. I felt bad that I didn't have time to take them by the CHKD thrift store, but I figured they wouldn't make it to the shelves in time for Santa.
Juni began to pick his present, and we heard the dog barking. Someone was at the end of the driveway. Juni dropped his gift and darted to the window.
"Mommy! This is going to be the best day eber (ever)!"
"Why, Juni? Because you get a present early?"
"No, Mommy. Because another boy will get my toys on Christmas and play with them and love them."

 I hear parents say they take pride in their children every day. And of course I am always proud of my son. But I can honestly say I've never felt the pride that entered my heart that day. It was like the Grinch...my heart grew 10 sizes.