Anxiety.
Anxiety is my largest demon. There are two basic types ... generalized and acute. Of course I'm blessed with both. Generalized means you feel twinges of anxiety all the time. Some anti-depressants help, and low-levels of anti-anxiety meds. I don't have generalized anxiety all of the time. For the most part, the generalized anxiety correlates to my life. If something is changing, if I'm planning an event, relationship issues. That sort of thing. It's nagging; tugging at my brain and reminding me things aren't just right.
The other type is acute, a.k.a panic attacks. These are what I know, and fear, the most. They come on fast and hard, and wreak havoc on my mind and body. The world spins. Everything is flying by, and I'm in slow motion. I don't feel like I'm present within my life. I don't feel like I'm present within my body. And I don't feel like I'm present within the world. It's terrifying. I shake, my heart races, my vision blurs and I sweat.
My mind races from one ridiculous thought to the next: this is not my life, this isn't the way things should be, something is terribly wrong, this is a dream. Those types of things run rampant during a panic attack.
I've had attacks for as long as I can remember. Since I was about six, I think.
Many people can talk themselves down from an attack. Not me. Others can ride it out. Definitely not me. I have to take a larger dose of a dissolving anti-anxiety med. The effects are amazing...an "ahhhh..." feeling. My body relaxes, my mind slows, and eventually I'm back to normal. And absolutely exhausted. After a moderate attack I'm physically and emotional spent. Completely exhausted. In fact, just writing about it is exhausting. I need a nap.
