1. Apparently cows are like many women I know. They'd rather visit the gyno than the dentist. ButterBell stood completely still today while a large vet intern inserted her ENTIRE ARM into her private part. Yes. That's correct. Her entire ARM. There was no ultrasound wand, which frankly scared the begeezus out of both me and my husband. No heart monitor wrapped around her belly. A pregnancy test for a bovine consists of stuffing your hand inside and feeling for a head. Apparently, ButterBell is 90 days along. Big John knocked her up the first day she arrived. Again, you read correctly. One time IS all it takes. Teenagers take heed ... you will get knocked up the first time. Take it from ButterBell.
For shits and giggles, I decided to ask the vet how old he thought my perfectly behaving cow was. He fish-hooked her lip with his finger, and she freaked. Seriously. We're talking bucking, mooing, kicking. We needed a bovine-sized Valium for miss ButterBell at the dentist. After much ado about teeth, she's about four years old.
2. I asked the vet to age Cream, since I figured I might as well torture her as well. She was fine. All she wanted was some food and attention. She's eight. Those eight years have not treated her too well ... I was guessing 11. Poor milk cows...they just look so haggish.
3. The vet says "hey...is that calf supposed to be in the pond?' First of all, let me explain that the "pond" is nothing but cow dung mixed in with a bit of water and a lot of algae. And no ... the calf wasn't supposed to be in there. "Ummm...where did that calf come from?"
At that moment, Big Momma turns around and ... ewe ... out comes a heaping mound of afterbirth. The dogs are very upset ... it sunk to the bottom of the pond. But I digress. Apparently, Big Momma decided to have a water birth. Maybe she's ahead of her time. But this is not normal. It was in fact terrifying. The calf's head was above the waterline, but the pond gets deep quick, and it's just gross. So the vets run into the pond, pick the calf up and send her on her way.
4. We cut, baled and stored the hay. So I needed to get the 11 cows plus newborn into the other field. About a 100 foot walk. Sounds easy. Definitely not. All but Big Momma and the newborn came. So I left the gates open, and stacked the hay while I waited for the two to join the herd. Apparently, Big Momma decided she'd hide little H2O in the field, and move to greener pastures. Literally. She hid her baby and left. And then got pissed 20 minutes later when she sees Juni driving the ATV Mule with me in the passenger seat, H2O in my lap. Covered in pond goo, and baby goo, and poop goo, H2O and I moved to the other field.
5. Jasen gets home. He's not half as smelly as I am. "What's for dinner?" "Bite me. Seriously." "Did you pick the garden?" "Did you smell me? I've had a day, honey. Yes. I picked the garden. And stored the hay. And moved a calf. And now I'm not, sweaty, dehydrated and tired. We're having salmon for dinner."
FYI...I realize it's been forever since my last post. i just haven't had the time, energy or inspiration to write. Us writers are like that. But I'll try to behave better in the future and update more often. My apologies...It's been "a day."
