My Theme Song

Remember Ally McBeal? Yes...I'm showing my age (35 in January. God help my family, because I am NOT happy about the number). Anywho, In college I adopted the "theme song" concept from Ally.
Believe it or not, it helps. First there was "I will survive." That was after I dumped my gay, negative, non-supportive boyfriend and headed out into the dating pool at Virginia Tech. And damn it...I WILL survive. And yes...I not only survived, but flourished. Once I got over the fact that I dated a gay guy for two years, I grabbed some self confidence and rocked that school academically, professionally and socially. Yes...I'm bragging. And yes...I'm proud. Now that I stay at home and run my husband's business, I grasp at those memories of succeeding on my own...on my own terms, and in what I chose.
An ex once made me a mixed tape. Yes...tape. Bite me...I'm turning 35. Anyway, there were so many songs on that tape that got me through so many dark places in my life. My husband isn't the romantic type. But before my ex and I were even exclusive, he made a tape of songs that reminded him of me. They're on my iPod. Every one makes me smile to this day. And it doesn't bother the Redneck Husband a bit. He realizes he'll never make me a mixed anything, and I think he agrees...some of the songs speak to him as well. But some are just fond memories for me only.
Then there was "Let it Be." That was when I was 20 weeks pregnant, waiting to find out the sex of my baby. Jasen wanted a boy. After a my breakdown during the first trimester, I realized this may be my only child. So...PLEASE let it be a boy. But if not, the song helped me realize it's not in my hands.
After my bipolar diagnosis, I adopted Brandi Carlile "The Story." It's me. Not every word of course, but listen to the song. It's beautiful. It's about a woman who others perceive as having the perfect life. But, as always, there's more.  And the following lyrics are me...


Lyrics to The Story :

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am...

You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what
I've been through 

I can't count the times I've heard "you have the perfect life. The perfect family. The perfect house. Ever since I can remember, your life has been perfect."

Uh-huh. My parents divorced after 29 years. Obviously that wasn't perfect like I, and the rest of the world, thought. Talk about a bullet to the back.

I smile. Even when I'm in my darkest places and most anxiety-filled times, I smile. I had the madness.

I'm not too difficult on the eyes, so yes...I am blessed. I'm not a complete idiot, so yes...I am blessed. Even my mental "illnesses" are at times a blessing. I can help others. Now that my manias are back to hypo-manias, I have bursts of creativity. That's a blessing. And when I learn about other bipolar people, I realize they are some of the most intelligent, creative and successful people in the world. Not a bad category to fall into.

But let's face it...my head is a mess. I tell myself I have a "mild case" of Bipolar I. I'm not on lithium (huge blessing), but there are no "mild" cases of Bipolar I. By definition, it is not mild. Otherwise, I'd be classified in another class of bipolar. But no...I'm in Class I. The most severe. But it's managed to the point of non-existence. Yes, I struggle with depression when the meds stop working. My recurring demon is anxiety. It is always just around the corner, waiting to put me in a state of pure misery.

I've been through things I don't talk about. Nothing close to what other people endure, but enough to change me. Some eventually for the better, some for the worse. Some changed the person I became.

The missing lyrics are about how she's made for one person that she can tell absolutely everything to. I don't have that person. There is no one in this entire world who knows my complete life story. I'm pretty confused on the religious front...but maybe those stories are meant to be told to God? I don't know. I don't know if a God exists, I don't know what my relationship to that God is, but there is definitely not a human that I can tell everything to. I was meant for Juni...that's all I know.

The rest is up for grabs. I have no idea what the next chapter of my life will bring. Hopefully, a book and teaching. But we'll see. My life has never followed the plan I drew. And it's always led me somewhere I belong.