My husband is a phenomenal cook. He can pile what looks like a load of crap into a pot and onto the grill, and out comes a culinary masterpiece. Last night, it was soup made from leftovers. A delectable, refrigerator-cleaning bowl of yumminess.
Problem is, eating soup next to Jasen is anything but a masterpiece. Juni couldn't wait for dinner before his bath time, so it was just Jasen and I perched at the bar. At first, I felt elated that he scooted next to me. Usually, Juni plops down in the middle chair.
It began with the seasoning. Pepper so heavy it lofted my way and made my eyes water and burn, and sneeze. I'm estimating about 3/4 of the pepper actually made it into the bowl. The rest landed on the bar. Waiting for me to sponge it off. Lovely.
Then began the actual eating. I swear, it was like the man hadn't eaten in 32 days. Noodles slurped into his mouth, spewing chicken broth droplets on the side of my cheek. And of course on the bar, again, waiting for the sponge.
I'm quirky. I know this. One of those quirks happens to be hearing people eat. As a child and teenager, I couldn't eat cereal near my mom. She crunched too loud. Jasen brings an all new meaning to loud eating. He slurps. He sips. He moans and groans in glutenous happiness. Makes me laugh and drives me crazy, all at the same time.
Later that night Juni passed out on the couch before his bedtime. I don't know what I was thinking, but I thought it would be nice to eat orange slices in bed with Jasen. Yeah...not so much. I thought eating soup was loud.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Saturday, February 26, 2011
#26
There's a No. 26 to my previous 25 revealing things. I believe that being honest about mental health helps to educate people, and that if sharing my story can help just one person in my situation, then it's worth it. When I told people I struggled with depression, they shared their stories. When I was diagnosed with the panic disorder, More people asked questions and revealed their own struggles to me.
Well, as luck you have it, I am officially a mess. I've always been a happy person. Sometimes too happy. So excited that I'd grab Jasen and shake him too hard. Drive too fast. Spend too much. Or do things that were completely out of character, like sewing (which I hate), or staying up all night. Running on no sleep. Little Food. Little thought process. My life would fly by like a movie...without me participating, but as a spectator. I would feel like I wasn't myself. Think thing that I normally wouldn't think. Consider things I normally wouldn't consider. And occasionally, the happiness would get so out of control, my brain, and actions, were out of control as well.
After years of struggling to hide what I knew was Bipolar disorder, I hit another manic phase. A bad one. Some people spend money, drink, have sex, leave their lives, or use drugs to get through the high that is mania. I did none of these things. But I did put relationships at risk with behavior that is totally not like me.
My official diagnosis? Bipolar I with a lower-level of disassociation, non-psychotic episodes and no hospitalization needed. I know...a long-assed diagnosis. Which at first scared the petunias out of me. Basically, it means that when I'm manic, there are risks. For me, it's to relationships. Because I act in ways that aren't true to my self. I'm irrational. I don't think about what I'm doing or saying. And that hurts other people. Disassociation means I literally feel like a different person. I don't remember some of the mania. I act out of character, and don't understand why or what I've done after it's over. It's not multiple personalities...I'm not that crazy. It's hard to describe, but it's been researched, and does exist.
There's a cycle to Bipolar. Ups and downs. Mine are far and few between. A "dangerous" mania once every 4-5 years. They last a few weeks, and I'll either do something out of character, or be the happiest person you've ever met. Like I'm jumping out of my skin with elation. I don't cycle through the lows because I was already on antidepressants. Some people cycle several times a day. I don't envy them.
This is part of the reason I've decided to do a total mind, body and soul renewal. I'm in semi-intensive therapy. I'm seeing a new psychiatrist every 6 weeks. I'm taking a new medication (Lamictal, which regulates my brainwaves to stop the manias. It's not quite a mood stabilizer like Lithium). I've lost 20 pounds, and take better care of my body. I try to look in the mirror and not gag.
I'm working on my marriage more than ever and trying my damnedest to fix what I've almost broken. And I'm learning about my condition as much as possible. A second child may not happen, because the risks are too much with my new meds, and a mania could be even worse with the pregnancy hormones. So that's a downer. But other than that, things are slowly getting better.
A friend of mine told me a few weeks ago that "I wish I could spend one day in your body...In your life. You're so lucky."
Yes, I am. I lead an extremely charmed life. My husband is supportive, forgiving, an amazing provider, and is helping to change our relationship. My son rocks. My house rocks. My family rocks. And I'm not totally unattractive.
But step inside. First I spend my childhood and teen years not knowing I was having panic attacks. Then I spent years trying to dig myself out of depression. I've spent years hiding my mania. Thinking there was something seriously wrong with me. Nervous. Scared. Terrified someone would find me out. Hiding within my mind.
I look in the mirror and don't see what others see. I see cellulite. Huge pores. Bulges. And a woman who has struggled to love her mind and body ever since I can remember. I've been on accutane three times. I was on facial antibiotics more times than I can remember. I was on Retin-A for countless years. And I have the internal, and external scars to show that acne is a real bitch.
I know there's a stigma assigned to Bipolar. And it's there for a reason. Some people are completely out of control. And I feel for them. It's hard to give up a high that is so amazing I can't find the words. Finding words is my thing. And the depression some people feel are so deep, so dark, that suicide is their way out. They become desolate. Homeless. Obese. The statistics are terrifying.
That's not me. I'm not a threat to anyone. I'm a good mother. I'm a good person. I'm a good friend. And I'm not scared anymore of who I really am. I'm crying right now as I write this, but that's just because it's freeing to finally reveal something I've spent so long denying.
We can't hide from who we are. We can't change our chemistry. If you looked at my brain on an MRI during a manic episode, it literally looks different than yours. I can't help that. But I can help myself control the urges and phases. I can take my medications. I can talk to my therapist. I can ask for help. I can be more honest. And maybe by making myself vulnerable, a target for the jokes and stigmas, I can help someone else. We are who we are. And some day, everyone must face that fact. For me, I hope to accept it and maybe even embrace it.
Well, as luck you have it, I am officially a mess. I've always been a happy person. Sometimes too happy. So excited that I'd grab Jasen and shake him too hard. Drive too fast. Spend too much. Or do things that were completely out of character, like sewing (which I hate), or staying up all night. Running on no sleep. Little Food. Little thought process. My life would fly by like a movie...without me participating, but as a spectator. I would feel like I wasn't myself. Think thing that I normally wouldn't think. Consider things I normally wouldn't consider. And occasionally, the happiness would get so out of control, my brain, and actions, were out of control as well.
After years of struggling to hide what I knew was Bipolar disorder, I hit another manic phase. A bad one. Some people spend money, drink, have sex, leave their lives, or use drugs to get through the high that is mania. I did none of these things. But I did put relationships at risk with behavior that is totally not like me.
My official diagnosis? Bipolar I with a lower-level of disassociation, non-psychotic episodes and no hospitalization needed. I know...a long-assed diagnosis. Which at first scared the petunias out of me. Basically, it means that when I'm manic, there are risks. For me, it's to relationships. Because I act in ways that aren't true to my self. I'm irrational. I don't think about what I'm doing or saying. And that hurts other people. Disassociation means I literally feel like a different person. I don't remember some of the mania. I act out of character, and don't understand why or what I've done after it's over. It's not multiple personalities...I'm not that crazy. It's hard to describe, but it's been researched, and does exist.
There's a cycle to Bipolar. Ups and downs. Mine are far and few between. A "dangerous" mania once every 4-5 years. They last a few weeks, and I'll either do something out of character, or be the happiest person you've ever met. Like I'm jumping out of my skin with elation. I don't cycle through the lows because I was already on antidepressants. Some people cycle several times a day. I don't envy them.
This is part of the reason I've decided to do a total mind, body and soul renewal. I'm in semi-intensive therapy. I'm seeing a new psychiatrist every 6 weeks. I'm taking a new medication (Lamictal, which regulates my brainwaves to stop the manias. It's not quite a mood stabilizer like Lithium). I've lost 20 pounds, and take better care of my body. I try to look in the mirror and not gag.
I'm working on my marriage more than ever and trying my damnedest to fix what I've almost broken. And I'm learning about my condition as much as possible. A second child may not happen, because the risks are too much with my new meds, and a mania could be even worse with the pregnancy hormones. So that's a downer. But other than that, things are slowly getting better.
A friend of mine told me a few weeks ago that "I wish I could spend one day in your body...In your life. You're so lucky."
Yes, I am. I lead an extremely charmed life. My husband is supportive, forgiving, an amazing provider, and is helping to change our relationship. My son rocks. My house rocks. My family rocks. And I'm not totally unattractive.
But step inside. First I spend my childhood and teen years not knowing I was having panic attacks. Then I spent years trying to dig myself out of depression. I've spent years hiding my mania. Thinking there was something seriously wrong with me. Nervous. Scared. Terrified someone would find me out. Hiding within my mind.
I look in the mirror and don't see what others see. I see cellulite. Huge pores. Bulges. And a woman who has struggled to love her mind and body ever since I can remember. I've been on accutane three times. I was on facial antibiotics more times than I can remember. I was on Retin-A for countless years. And I have the internal, and external scars to show that acne is a real bitch.
I know there's a stigma assigned to Bipolar. And it's there for a reason. Some people are completely out of control. And I feel for them. It's hard to give up a high that is so amazing I can't find the words. Finding words is my thing. And the depression some people feel are so deep, so dark, that suicide is their way out. They become desolate. Homeless. Obese. The statistics are terrifying.
That's not me. I'm not a threat to anyone. I'm a good mother. I'm a good person. I'm a good friend. And I'm not scared anymore of who I really am. I'm crying right now as I write this, but that's just because it's freeing to finally reveal something I've spent so long denying.
We can't hide from who we are. We can't change our chemistry. If you looked at my brain on an MRI during a manic episode, it literally looks different than yours. I can't help that. But I can help myself control the urges and phases. I can take my medications. I can talk to my therapist. I can ask for help. I can be more honest. And maybe by making myself vulnerable, a target for the jokes and stigmas, I can help someone else. We are who we are. And some day, everyone must face that fact. For me, I hope to accept it and maybe even embrace it.
Friday, February 25, 2011
25 Things
This was a viral on Facebook a while back. Thought you may enjoy it...
1. i can tell when it's going to rain because the bunion on my left foot starts to throb.
2. doctor's wanted to break both of my feet and do reconstructive surgery because of said bunyons. my mom said no because i would have had two full leg casts and wouldn't have learned how to walk on time. she said no. i wish she'd said yes. if i have the surgery now i'm looking at months on crutches and in a cast.
3. my husband was my first "real" boyfriend. i was 15. he tracked me down 9 years later and the rest is history. we met at the skating rink.
4. i watched my sister give birth 6 weeks ago. it was one of the most amazing moments of my live.
5. my sister helped me give birth almost 3 years ago. that was the most amazing moment of my life.
6. i almost died when i was 5. something called epiglautitis, where your throat closes for no apparent reason. they flew in a surgeon from richmond to chkd and he put a tube down my throat. i remember pretty much everything. i came home on christmas eve.
7. i'm terrified of tongue depressors. result of doctor jamming depressor down my closed throat, vomiting, and choking.
8. i can put my fist in my mouth. comes in handy when a doctor presents a tongue depressor. much easier just to flip-top my head.
9. i'm double jointed. which comes in handy sometimes, but also hurts. my joints pop out while i swim, sleep, stretch...
10. i was the editor in chief of the collegiate times, virginia tech's newspaper, my senior year. it was great and horrible at the same time. way too stressful for me.
11. i still have the tab from blackburg from my 21st birthday. i drank 22 drinks and was sick for 3 days.
12. i can't drink much anymore. more than a glass of wine gives me a panic attack.
13. i have a relentless panic disorder. i've been on medication for years.
14. i have ADD. i took medicine in college and grad school, but struggled in high school.
15. i usually feel very out of place during social situations. the most moronic things will come out of my mouth for no apparent reason. i usually end up feeling like an idiot.
16. my son didn't sleep for more than 45 minutes at a time until he was 9-and-a-half months old. that means i didn't sleep for more than 45 minutes at a time until he was 9-and-a-half months old. he still wakes up several times a night, and i usually end up in his bed by morning.
17. i had night terrors and insomnia as a child. they did a sleep study on me.
18. i still count on my fingers.
19. my favorite tv shows are My Name is Earl and House. i think they both reveal sides of the human condition. I've also added Grey's Anatomy, and pretty much anything having to do with housewives.
20. i stare at imperfections on my face every night while sitting on my bathroom counter with my feet in the sink. not comfortable or sexy in any way. It's an unhealthy obsession.
21. i have nightmares just about every night, mixed in with two or three other extremely vivid dreams. i sometimes mix up my dreams for reality.
22. i once covered the supreme court.
23. my most recurring dream is that i'm back in the dorms with paula, but am married and have juni, so i have to commute. it SUCKS.
24.i have 11 cows, 10 chickens, 2 dogs, 2 cats and quebert, my goose, with his wife and six kids from last spring living in my back yard. i have a big back yard.
25. my biggest fears are 1. something bad happening to juni and 2. growing old.
1. i can tell when it's going to rain because the bunion on my left foot starts to throb.
2. doctor's wanted to break both of my feet and do reconstructive surgery because of said bunyons. my mom said no because i would have had two full leg casts and wouldn't have learned how to walk on time. she said no. i wish she'd said yes. if i have the surgery now i'm looking at months on crutches and in a cast.
3. my husband was my first "real" boyfriend. i was 15. he tracked me down 9 years later and the rest is history. we met at the skating rink.
4. i watched my sister give birth 6 weeks ago. it was one of the most amazing moments of my live.
5. my sister helped me give birth almost 3 years ago. that was the most amazing moment of my life.
6. i almost died when i was 5. something called epiglautitis, where your throat closes for no apparent reason. they flew in a surgeon from richmond to chkd and he put a tube down my throat. i remember pretty much everything. i came home on christmas eve.
7. i'm terrified of tongue depressors. result of doctor jamming depressor down my closed throat, vomiting, and choking.
8. i can put my fist in my mouth. comes in handy when a doctor presents a tongue depressor. much easier just to flip-top my head.
9. i'm double jointed. which comes in handy sometimes, but also hurts. my joints pop out while i swim, sleep, stretch...
10. i was the editor in chief of the collegiate times, virginia tech's newspaper, my senior year. it was great and horrible at the same time. way too stressful for me.
11. i still have the tab from blackburg from my 21st birthday. i drank 22 drinks and was sick for 3 days.
12. i can't drink much anymore. more than a glass of wine gives me a panic attack.
13. i have a relentless panic disorder. i've been on medication for years.
14. i have ADD. i took medicine in college and grad school, but struggled in high school.
15. i usually feel very out of place during social situations. the most moronic things will come out of my mouth for no apparent reason. i usually end up feeling like an idiot.
16. my son didn't sleep for more than 45 minutes at a time until he was 9-and-a-half months old. that means i didn't sleep for more than 45 minutes at a time until he was 9-and-a-half months old. he still wakes up several times a night, and i usually end up in his bed by morning.
17. i had night terrors and insomnia as a child. they did a sleep study on me.
18. i still count on my fingers.
19. my favorite tv shows are My Name is Earl and House. i think they both reveal sides of the human condition. I've also added Grey's Anatomy, and pretty much anything having to do with housewives.
20. i stare at imperfections on my face every night while sitting on my bathroom counter with my feet in the sink. not comfortable or sexy in any way. It's an unhealthy obsession.
21. i have nightmares just about every night, mixed in with two or three other extremely vivid dreams. i sometimes mix up my dreams for reality.
22. i once covered the supreme court.
23. my most recurring dream is that i'm back in the dorms with paula, but am married and have juni, so i have to commute. it SUCKS.
24.i have 11 cows, 10 chickens, 2 dogs, 2 cats and quebert, my goose, with his wife and six kids from last spring living in my back yard. i have a big back yard.
25. my biggest fears are 1. something bad happening to juni and 2. growing old.
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