When it All Comes Tumbling Down

My life is blessed. My husband is great, my kid is great, my house is great. I'm spoiled in every way possible. But the mind works in mysterious ways. Especially mine. 29 years. That's how long I've fought anxiety. Almost three decades.
The last seven years have been the worse. Having a child also means having a legitimate reason to worry. I've changed medications 8 times. But the worry is the same. He's getting older. Why can't time slow down. He won't want to snuggle. He's getting older. This, in addition to my "normal" anxiety leaves a girl tired. Very, very tired.
I'm tired of the fight. I'm tired of the thoughts. I'm tired of the feelings. I'm tired of the tears. I am fucking tired. Of course not suicidally tired... I'm not a quitter. But I'm exhausted. I want a life where I enjoy thinking about my son growing up. Not popping a Xanax every time the thought intrudes upon my brain. It's not fair. And yes, I realize life isn't fair. Things could be so much worse. Cancer. Schizophrenia, a sick child, death.
Regardless, I'm tired. And pissed of. And crying. I have to wait for meds to kick in, the withdrawals to stop. It's always a waiting game. And even when I win, three or four years later the meds stop working and I lose. Again and again and again.
I hear the bus coming, and it makes me smile. But every night once I snuggle and put my sweet boy to bed, I cry. And take my meds like a good patient does. And the thoughts don't go away. So I'm tired. So very, very tired. It's all come crashing down this fall, as it does with all seasonal cyclers. But this year is worse than many. Not the worst every, but and enough. Anxiety sucks. It throws curveballs. It sucker punches you. It hits hard and stays well after it's welcome. And it sucks. And I'm tired.
 I'm sorry this isn't one of the laugh-till-you-cry posts , but every now and then reality hits. My reality is constant anxiety right now. Swollen eyes. And I'm tired. So very, very tired. I just want it to go away and leave me alone. Even if it's just for a few days...I want my brain to stop fighting itself, and let me enjoy my so very blessed life.